Trail Personalities

The Cast (subject to change)

Bear Jew - A guy we met in Maryland who started the trail with his fiancée in Harper's
Ferry heading north. Not only does he have a great trail name, but he is just a prince of a human being. It's a real shame we didn't get to hike with them more. He is really funny and a cineophile. He is part of the chosen people, which means he is not a godless gentile like the rest of us.

The Corsican - One of the international hikers from France. He's been learning English and the art(less) form of backpacking that we practice on the trail. We've done quite a bit of hiking with him around the Virginia-Pennsylvania area. Hope to see him more frequently. We've had a great cultural exchange with him--he wears his underwear around camp teaching us Americans that we shouldn't be ashamed of our bodies and we teach him the fine art of eating at McDonald's.

d'Artagnan - A man with a naturally hairless face except for a three musketeer mustache and goatee. He is a philosopher and an elitist. Extremely funny but infrequently, one could almost say frequently, smug and condescending. I'm very fond of him. Hikes with Teddy and Kodiak. Reveres ManCub.

Delaware Dave - 1 of the 5 legends of 2011. The golden boy of the trail who collects trail magic from virtually everywhere. Leaves women swooning and has a team of girl scouts who sponsor him by sending him resupply and letters of encouragement. A gem mint 10. A++. He thinks everything is wonderful and I don't even remotely hate him for this.

Elvis (Tiger) - Elvis came over to the US from Bosnia when he was younger. He's a tall skinny dude who is an absolute prince of a man. He might have been the funniest person on the entire trail. He's weird and yet completely lucid. We ran into him on and off as much as any person on the trail. Towards the end of the trail, like me, he became bitter and got sick of hiking. Took a ton of zeroes--something like 40.

The Face - Me.

Face Jacket - My evil twin. Saved me from a copperhead. The socialite of the trail. He is better looking than me so I work the twin reference constantly (he actually looks nothing like me). Hikes with everyone and no one at the same time.

Ghost - Named because he sneaks up on people while hiking. A very funny but reserved guy from West Virginia. A little known fact that West Virginians are the best Americans. Hikes by himself but frequently was seen with the three bears and occasionally Spam.

Guido Blanco - Met him the first day of the trail. He is talkative and has an opinion/thought on every subject. From Connecticut. Frequently funny when you don't want to kill him. Turned 21 on the trail and talks about joining the Marines. Works at a liquor store and enjoys good drink. A great cook as well.

Jelly Pants - We met him around the same time we met White Wolf. Another great guy we didn't really get to know because he was so slack about making miles that we passed him. Last thing I heard he was taking trips off the trail to meet girls and attending Bonaroo and God knows what else. He's one of these rare hikers, like Elvis, who could take a week off and then just start hiking again. The rest of us would have been become trail casualties if we didn't stick to the mission. He was easily distracted.

JT Hill - Started with Guido. Really funny dude who defends his crappy gear. Is secretly jealous of my trail acumen. Likes sleeping in, smoking on long breaks and talking all sorts of nonsense. Hikes with Guido and before, Sensei and I. He very impressively picked up girls at a dollar store in Hot Springs.

Kodiak - A tall, blue-eyed, handsome bearded man. A little shy at first. Part of the three bears. Like Niners, he is one of the few people out here who seems genuinely well-adjusted. The rest of us need therapy.

Kathmandu - Former enlisted-man and then Army officer. Hilarious and engaging. Laughs a lot. Strong leader with a hedonistic side. Hiking partners: Niners and Stillwater. Occasionally hikes with Storm Song, Treebeard, The Face, and Sensei.

ManCub - 1 of the 5 legends of the 2011 class. Started off hiking in flip-flops. Currently has no sleeping bag, tent or other personal shelter. Once slept on a picnic table in the rain. Shivers himself to sleep every night. Hikes 30 plus mile days. Looks like the guy from the Jungle Book with a Steve Perry wig. Uses the art of false modesty to brag to everyone about his accomplishments. We talk about this guy roughly 2 hours every day. We believe him to be a demigod. I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure he's just an asshole.

Niners - Started the trail with his daughter but she had a hamstring injury and had to leave. Funny and professional. He may be the most sensible person on the trail. Hikes with Kathmandu and Stillwater. Used to own an outfitter and is very knowledgeable about gear. His daughter rejoined him on the trail in Harper's Ferry.

Rock Puncher - I thought Rock Puncher was some sort of burly dude but she is actually a very lovely young lady. She is engaged to Bear Jew. She's funny. She's cool. She's cute. She's tall. Her name is Rock Puncher for fuck's sake. Not much lacking here, really.

Sensei - I met Sensei going to Springer Mountain and have hiked with him 99% of the trail. Sensei is a musician (saxophone) who studies ethnomusicology and enjoys jazz and Texas singer-songwriter types like Townes Van Zandt. Sensei is well-spoken, thoughtful and tactful. Hiking partner: The Face. Hikes occasionally with Guido, JT Hill, Spam, Kathmandu, Stillwater, Niners, Treebeard, Spam and Storm Song. Loves ManCub's hair.

Spam - Very cool guy from Massachusetts. About 23 years-old. Had no standing hiking partner but seemed to hike with everyone. His pack was allegedly about 60 pounds when he started. He doesn't really like Spam that much but was given a trail name quickly like the rest of us. Got Lyme's disease to prove his manhood somewhere in Northern Virginia. Starting in Virginia and Pennsylvania he has hiked with Sensei and me. Fantasizes about meeting ManCub.

Squash - We met Squash in Pennsylvania and really enjoyed hiking with him. He just graduated from law school at Michigan and picked up on the trail after completing half of it in 2010. I know that at some point he was hiking with some attractive girl but word was they were just friends. Squash was unfortunately another fantastic person we weren't able to hike with because of different schedules.

Stillwater - One of the younger guys on the trail and great company. Everything you would expect from a guy from Georgia: class, love of sport, the drawl and a sense of humor. Hikes with Niners and Kathmandu. Occasionally hikes with Storm Song and Treebeard. Every once in a while he hikes with us. I miss hiking with this group.

Storm Song - A chef who lives in Chattanooga, TN. Hiking partner: Treebeard. Hikes frequently with Stillwater, Niners and Kathmandu. Very funny dude who is enjoyed by all. Likes drinking, smoking and taking ridiculously long breaks during the day. Just A+ all around.

Stretch - Married to Zippers. A tall, bearded guy who is pretty low key. We hiked with him in Pennsylvania for a few days and remember the time fondly. I ran into him about 50 miles from Katahdin and didn't recognize him without the beard. It had been so long. Stretch and Zippers are from Montana.

Suicidal - 1 of the 5 legends of the 2011 class. A south bounder who speaks in 1 hour uninterrupted monologues. He almost lost the ability to walk after a motorcycle crash. Writes 1,000 word essays in every logbook about his hike. People confuse him for crazy. He's not crazy. He's a living profile of an FBI serial killer. I love this guy. He threatened to shoot a couple's dog in a shelter because it was bothering him. He had to lay low after they promptly called the police. I can't emphasize how much I love this guy.

Teddy - A fellow hiker who started out fat like me but now looks terribly gaunt. He is so gaunt we worry about the skin attached directly to his bones. People mistake him for a cadaver. Very funny dude. One of the best people out here. Part of the three bears.

Treebeard - Left Springer with Storm Song. Always smiling and rolling cigarettes. A true man of leisure. Considerate and great company. Hikes with Storm Song. Sometimes hikes with Stillwater, Niners and Kathmandu.

UHaul - 1 of the 5 legends of 2011. Named after the worst corporation in the world and just as efficient as their useless, overpriced fleet of Chevy trucks that were made in 1972. Carried 100 plus pounds to start the trail including a laptop and cast-iron skillets. This guy is a novelty among the hikers. No one has seen him for months because he moves so slow.

V8 - 1 of the 5 legends of 2011. Lives in Tokyo but has flown 3 times to the states to hike the PCT, CDT and now the AT. He represents all that is good in the world. Hikes as fast as ManCub. Carries a handmade backpack that weighs about 15 pounds with full gear and food. A man among boys.

White Wolf - A retired Marine Colonel. We only hiked with White Wolf for a short time in Tennessee but he was an absolute pleasure. I haven't heard much about how he finished but I know he did--even though I have no proof to confirm it. 

Windscreen - Our future hiking partner who we met in Virginia but didn't start hiking with until New York.  At first he was green and inexperienced, but in New York he was a trail warrior. He started the trail in Roanoke, so he has plans to go back and finish the southern portion in the future. He's a funny dude and he brought a lot to the table when he started hiking with us. We share a love of 80s movies and both of us lamented the ignorant 20 year-olds we were forced to hike with (Sensei and Spam).

Yikes - We met Yikes in New York but she didn't start hiking with us until New Hampshire. Although she tries to be an individual, she was happy to have met us and join the group. She went to school at Virginia and is planning to move to California with a boyfriend she's known for 3 weeks. Well, that's after she finishes the southern part of the trail. She started in Virginia, just like Windscreen. I loved hiking with her because she was cute and I'd been staring at a male ginger in camp until that point. Yikes is a strange combination of shy and outgoing. A little bit of an enigma at times.

Zippers - Married to Stretch. From Montana. She's one of these people that just lights the whole fucking place up with her personality. Just a lovely person. Very cute and funny. Running into her and Stretch in Maine was one of my favorite moments (they had already finished and gave us some orange soda and treats).